Thursday, June 30, 2011

A funny sound

A pounding, like bowling balls
It isn't raining, not from the sky anyway
but from the mountains
The river is furious
and I realize the loud echoing pounding sound
is the rocks. Big rocks, rolling down the river
Imagine that.


Poor poor Mike.
Severe allergies
a cold coming on .
He has been sleeping in the loft to avoid getting baby sick.
If in fact he is sickly.

What a great day I've had.
I woke up early early.
said farewell to the mister.
Hazel and I had feeding and cuddle time.
She slept some more.
I watched her.
I spent a bit on the computer,
and then around 2 HOURS trying to get out the door.
Hazel slept the entire time.
I had a lot of things to prepare.
We traveled to a friend's house In Heber.
A fellow homebirthing momma
of a dear little four year old girl named charlie
who I think loves babies, but also loves attention, so sometimes does not love babies.
Oh, Charlie. four year olds are so honest.
She said maybe she'll like babies in a few years, but right now they just bother her.
Funny girl.
We made peach and apple cobbler in canning jars.
tall ones and short ones. short ones work best, FYI.
next week we will try mangoes.
We both have a surplus, from out Bountiful Basket.
We finished them just in time, I wrapped a few up all pretty as a gift for Cathy.
My last postpartum visit. Sad day.
Hopefully Cathy and I will stay in touch, be friends.
I picked up my husband, who I didn't kiss or hug hello
In case he is sick.
We drove to the valley.
Mike wrote a lovely thank you note
We gave her a beautiful piece of artwork, along with the cobbler and note.
She gave us a perfect book.
She and the student midwife Liz marveled over our little Hazel.
Perfect, everyone says it.
More beautiful than most babies. They see a lot of babies.
I knew it.
A little over ten pounds, our baby girl.
thats a 3 pound gain. 1/2 lb a week.
We had a lovely visit.
We love Cathy.
Liz too.
We've only met her twice, but there is something about midwives.
Next up: Yanni's for greek food. Yum!
Then home, with a quick stop off at another friend's for a breif hello.
Flooding is getting worse.
I've been optimistic, but we might not be getting in or out tomorrow.
Rising and Rising.
Mike dropped me off, and decided it's best to leave the car out, in case we have to hike out tomorrow.
He drove it back through the flood, out to the road.
Hazel haad bath time
Her favorite time of day.
I finally got to eat my cobbler
and now the two people I love best are sound asleep.

Life is good

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I've found my words

“Just as there is no warning for childbirth, there is no preparation for the sight of a first child. I studied his face, fingers, the folds in his boneless little legs, the whorls of his ears, the tiny nipples on his chest. I held my breath as he sighed and laughed when he yawned, wondered at his grasp on my thumb. I could not get my fill of looking.

There should be a song for a woman to sing at the moment, or a prayer to recite. But perhaps there is none because there are no words strong enough to name that moment. Like every mother since the first mother, I was overcome and bereft, exalted and ravaged. I had crosssed over from girlhood. I beheld myself as an infant in my mother’s arms, and caught a glimpse of my own death. I wept without knowing whether I rejoiced or mourned. My mothers and their mothers were with me as I held my baby.”

-The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

This is EXACTLY what I have been trying to say. Exalted and Ravaged. Exactly

Chubby Cheeks.

Baby girl is sleeping next to me.
Happy smmiles and baby giggles are escaping from her little face.
I never knew babies giggled in their sleep.
It fills my heart.
Soon she will giggle when she is awake.
That will be like music to my ears.
I am patiently waiting for those belly laughs, and tickling.
I'm soaking it all in.

Our river has been flooding. Rising and rising, until it turned into two rivers, and then three.
All across our dirt road to the cabin.
It's amazing.
The river has completely overwhelmed it's banks.
It is raging through th wetland next to it, over and around bushes and trees.
I actually really love seeing the river like this.
It's so powerful.
I love the sound.

This little town will be crowded next week.
I used to love crowds.
Not so much now....except sometimes.
We'll see.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Oh, Gosh

Im at a loss for words
most of the time.
I have so much I want to say
but when I get the opportunity
I forget it.
All of it.
My thoughts, my feelings
they are profound.
My mind goes blank.
People ask me questions.
I am not a speaker.
I get a funny feeling.
I blush
or I get emotional
over nothing
So I am quiet.
I give vague answers, with few words.
I hate it.
I wish I was a speaker.
I used to be a speaker.
Maybe I just need more people to talk to.
I haven't had much of that lately.
Real people, to talk with, about real things
and real feelings
who understand.
I talk to baby H.
She is a good listener,
the best actually
but she is quiet.
Someday she'll respond.
Someday she wont stop talking.
I can't wait to hear what she has to say.

Friday, June 17, 2011

My, How Life Changes

Was Reminiscing about the old days.
Oh how I loved those days.
My Apartment.
Me, thinking I'm all that.

Ridiculous parties,
way too young
Going out every night,
sleeping in every day.
Freedom, for the first time.

No worries.
All fun and games.

I did quite a few really stupid things back then.
Im glad I did them.
 I learned a lot.
I had loads of fun.
The me back then makes the now me who I am.

Nostalgia can be a bad thing, if it creeps in at the wrong times. I miss those days. I miss the City.
I miss the old fun.

The new fun is even better, and will get better and better.
Being a momma.
Watching Mike being a Dad.
My parents being grandparents.
The new fun is having the things I have always wanted.
A husband who takes care of me.
A magical baby girl, to show the world to.
A house of our own, to make into our home.

I have so much fun to look forward to.

Some important things:
Hold on to the good things, let go of the bad.
Always forgive.
Talk about how you really feel, with someone who really cares.
If you want good friends, be a good friend.
Own up.
Try to understand other people-really understand them. How their different circumstances and experiences form different opinions. Instead of begrundging those differences, learn about them. Admire them.
Try not to depend too much on tehnology.
Ask Questions.
Read-books, not websites.
Love your family.

Isn't it a wonder?

We all were born.
We all were babies.
Everyone was once some momma's tiny babe.

Suddenly everyone in the world seems much more important to me, because I know how much their mother loved them when they were babies.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Disposable Society

Picture this: A new dad back in the day, while watching his wife change diapers (Men didn't do this sort of thing back then) Thought to himself, "If I had a dime for every time this kid peed, I'd be rich"

That must be how disposable diapers came about. It certainly wasn't for convenience, because honestly, they have proved to be no more convenient in my own opinion, than cloth. This cloth diapering is much easier than I thought, and I am completely rethinking how I, as a consumer, spend my money. I'm convinced that society was made to believe that disposables would be easier. Mothers were told that the invention of these would be their escape from the everyday drudgery of diaper washing, all as a money making ploy. Someone, somewhere realized how much money there was in disposables-diapers, sanitary napkins, nursing pads, plates, cups, bowls, paper towels, and napkins. If we throw one away, we need another, and another, so we buy more and more. If we buy one, and re-use it, a company is losing money. No wonder there are so many advertisements for disposable things. They don't want us to realize how easy using the products reusable counterparts are, or how much better for us, our wallets, and the planet it is.

Where a disposable thing can be easily replaced with a re-useable, I am replacing it. I'm have become disgusted by the idea of  how much each of us contributes to the insane amount of disposable products ending up in landfills, trashing our precious planet. It's toxic, and extremely unnecessary. I'm making it a point to try to recycle everything I can, start composting, and re-use whatever can be re-used.

*after some research I've found that the invention of disposable diapers was actually the result of housewives being fed up with using plain cloth diapers, which resulted in the constant wetting of bedsheets, clothing, and basically anything the child was placed on. the inventors themselves were women. Nevertheless, the reason that manufacturers decided they were worth producing was because they realized it would mean a continuouss flow of money, with every diaper used, another must be bought. Since then, cloth diapers have come a long way. With the invention of PUL ( the waterproof cloth used in cloth diapers and diaper covers) this constant wetting of clothing, carpets, and bedsheets is no longer an issue. However, The environmental impact of disposable diapers is an issue.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Things Im grateful for today

I've found that Im a happier person when I write down a few things I am grateful for, usually in my journal, but why not here on the blog?

My family. My new little family, and my old big family.

Spending more time with my Momma. for the last two or three months we have spent at least a day a week together, and since hazey was born, more like two or three days a week. In college I hardly saw her, or talked to her, and I probably never told her, but I really missed her. Mom and Dad- sorry if I only called you when I needed something. I should have called you more, to tell you about my day, or just to say I love you. I do love you, both of you so so much.

Hazel's birth. Im sure everyone is about sick of hearing about it by now, but I didn't feel like I had accomplished much in my life. I wasn't sure I was capable of doing something so hard. I did it, and I love myself for it. I love my body, It is so strong, and it grew a perfect baby. Then I performed this seemingly impossible feat of getting her out of me, through a passageway too small for her to even fit through, and I did it naturally!

The sun! I am so grateful every day that the sun comes out, and it gets warm! It was such a long cold winter, and I really needed all of this sunshine.

Mike. He comes home from a long work day, and I should have the laundry done, and be getting dinner ready, but I don't. He usually ends up making dinner, and changing the laundry, and he doesn't complain. He is always asking me if I'm doing okay, telling me how great I'm doing with Hazel, and trying to make sure I am happy. He is so, so amazing.

The Lack of TV. Getting rid of our Cable is the best thing we've ever done. Now if I would just get off the internet, maybe I would lead a productive life.

Living in the most beautiful place in the world. I take this for granted. I dream of living elswhere. Somewhere with neighbors....somewhere walking distance to grocery stores and parks. But then I look out the window. I wouldn't give up this view, this peaceful spot in nature, where so many people wish  they could live, for any of that.


My soul has so much to say, but my mind can't find the words.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Cloth Diapering, Part One

I had planned on cloth diapering from day one, but pretty much everything I had was too big, or didn't leave a little space for her umbilical stump. We used the "just in case" disposables, and stuck with those for the first week and a half. Her little stump fell off, and she now has a cute little belly button, We've started with the cloth and so far I love it!

The first time we put her in one, she blew out everywhere. Bad first impression. I pressed onward, and have had much better luck. With newborns you will be dealing with the occasional blowout no matter what diaper you use. I would say that the instance of this happening is about equal.

XS BumGenius
So far I've used our newborn BumGenius diapers, which work much like a disposable. It is an "all in one" diaper, meaning that you don't need a waterproof cover or inserts or anything. It is definitely the simplest. I've heard that over time it gets more difficult to clean because the ammonia smell builds up in the microfiber, but I've read that this can be remedied by putting them in the hot sun to dry.

We have also been using pre-folds with a waterproof cover. It takes practice to get the pre-folds just right, but once you do it's apiece of cake. The benefits of pre-folds is that they are by far the least expensive route, and you can fold them to fit a smaller baby, so you don't need different sizes.

Pre-fold, held on with a Snappi

Pre-fold + Waterproof cover
So far so good. We still use some disposables here and there but If i do I'm limiting it to two a day. As a stay at home mom I feel that I have no excuse not to cloth diaper. It really is easy, and is better for my baby, and planet earth! It's actually kind of fun, if you can imagine cleaning up baby excrement as being fun....

To be continued....

Friday, June 3, 2011

Yesterday we had a post-natal appointment with our midwife Cathy. Oh, we love her! I wish Midwives were for every day, and not just for pregnancy and birth. We reminisced about the birth a bit, and how wonderful it was. She said Mike was just perfect. He knew just what to say and how to help me, and it was like he had done it a hundred times before. That's the truth. Mike was amazing. He helped me through so much of it. Every time I felt like giving up he was right there pushing me forward. So much of what he did and said for me that day might usually seem insignificant. It also might seem cheesy. That day, It is what I needed. sometimes we need to humble ourselves and accept compliments and help, however cheesy the words may seem. I wish that I was able to accept words like that more often, instead of rolling my eyes at them. I also wish I would give them more often.

We also talked about me and how I am doing. I shared with her before I had Hazel that at times I feel very isolated up here. On the days I have plans and do things I feel great, but on the days I have no plans I get lonely, and have a hard time. Something I have learned since I had Hazel is that It's not the quantity of friends I have, nor the quantity of time I spend with them, but the quality. If I spend even one good day a week with a friend who is uplifting, my lonely days aren't so hard. A friend who understands me, or at least makes an effort to. One who I can talk with openly about my feelings and my problems, and who I don't feel like I need to put on a show for. Friends like that aren't so easy to find these days.

She asked if I was having any problems with a new baby. I can honestly say no. I hear so many stories from friends and relatives of how difficult it is to have a newborn. I can't relate.  I know, It's only been two weeks.

Maybe I was just very prepared? I mean, I know babies. I've cared for and loved quite a few. Nevertheless, I listened to everyone who told me that this would be very hard, and I prepared myself for that. For painful nursing problems, for sleepless nights, for a baby who cries and cries....None of those things have happened. Today I vacuumed the cabin while Hazel was sleeping on the couch. I literally had the vacuum a foot from her. She didn't even stir. She sleeps for 3-5 hours at a time! She cries only when she is being changed or dressed. That is it!

The only thing I wasn't prepared for, that has really floored me is how much I love her. Its pretty overwhelming, and every once in a while it hits me and I can't hold back the tears. Not sad tears at all. Very very happy tears.

Before she was born there were some melancholy moments. I was so happy to be having a child, but a bit sad at the same time, to be saying goodbye to my old life. I think that is normal. That is how it should be. I think sadness is a necessary part of life, and maybe we shouldn't always look upon it so negatively. It helps us grow. I have always had a hard time with moving on and saying goodbye to the past. We should embrace those sad feelings as a part of change. Change is a good thing. Now that she is here, I don't miss life without her at all.

Today is my first day alone with her, without Mike, and with no plans. I sure feel a lot less lonely, and a lot more productive with her around. Being a mom is just lovely.

Baby Daddy

Isn't that perfect?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Hazel likes The Beatles

When I put it on, her world goes quiet, no matter what she was just doing. Her body stops squirming, and her eyes open wide. Smart Girl.