Tuesday, November 30, 2010


I'm feeling so inbetween. My tummy is poking out, but just enough that I could be pregnant, but might just be chubby, and I don't want people to think I'm chubby, so guess what I did today?
This is how ridiculous I am.
I pushed it out. Walked around all day pushin it out a little, so people would know, I'm not chubby, I'm pregnant!

Thursday, November 18, 2010


We got a good strong heartbeat.
we find out what it is on Dec. 10th
Motherhood here I come.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I decided I am going to be totally honest because there isn't a reason not to really. I am very excited to go to the hospital tomorrow, and also very nervous.  To me, being pregnant doesn't necessarily mean that I will have a baby in 6 months and I will probably feel that way for a while. With every small pain or cramp, and every absence of pregnancy symptoms comes a overwhelming feeling of worry. I'm a total stress case, and I'm so afraid of miscarrying because I've miscarried before.

Mike and I decided quite a while ago that we wanted to have a family.  I might be a bit young for it, but mike certainly isn't, and I don't want to wait much longer. I want him to have children while he is still able to play catch with them and teach them to ski. I decided I have forever to go to school, and find a career, but  I might not have forever to raise children with Mike.

We had no religious or ethical reason to be married before we had a child. In fact, it was much more financially manageable for us back then if we weren't married. That way I could stay on my dad's insurance, which was much better than anything we could have afforded. I would qualify as a single mother for scholarships and grants when I went to school. Other than that, we just didn't feel the need to be married.

We found out we were prego in February, were enamoured with the idea of a little baby. I went for the first ultrasound, and saw that little heartbeat and just couldn't contain my excitement, so against all recommendations, I went ahead and told people. I told friends, and family, confident that by this November I would have a baby, and oblivious to how many pregnancies end in early miscarriage.

Mike asked me to marry him the day before our 12 week ultrasound. We were so happy, and of course I said yes. The next day, we went in to see the doctor, and got ready to see what was happening with our baby, and that little bean that should have looked like a baby by then, was still a little bean, and there was no little heartbeat. It had probably stopped growing not long after that first ultrasound.

and that was that.

We went home. I asked Megan to tell everyone so I didn't have to talk about it, and we were sad. We took down the crib, and put all of the baby stuff in a closet, which we avoided until just recently. Then we decided we needed something else to look forward too, so we started planning our wedding.

Things have gone smoothly since then, and we aren't so upset about the miscarriage anymore. This is how it was meant to be. We learned so much from that experience, and grew together. We had a wonderful summer, an amazing vacation, and a perfect wedding. Mike's loves his new job, and the benefits are almost identical to the plan I was on before. Now we feel so prepared, and so ready for whatever comes our way.

This time we proceeded with caution after the positive pregnancy test. We encouraged each other not to get too excited or too caught up in planning for a baby. We waited until 11 weeks to even see the doctor, and after that to tell anyone. In fact the first person to find out was Megan and that is only because she happened to have a doctor's appt. that same day at the same time in the same office. We ran into her there. What a coincidence. We wont put the crib up until we see what tomorrow's ultrasound brings. and we're crossing our fingers and praying to whatever higher power is out there that tomorrow holds good news.

It's unlikely that it would happen again, but not unheard of, and I can't imagine what we would do if we had to go through it again, and again. My dreams of a baby will most likely be answered, and soon.

My heart goes out to the people who have been hoping to be parents much longer than I have. People who have had to accept the fact that they will not have a family by natural means. People who have to struggle through fertility treatments and artificial insemination, and people who have had to give up on that, and hope that through adoption their family might someday be complete.

I am so blessed and so grateful that It is possible for me to bear children, and so sad for my friends who cannot. I hope everyday for them, that they will have the family they so want and deserve. I even found myself wishing for triplets with the thought that maybe I could give my friends a baby. I don't think that even if we had triplets that I could find it in my heart to be that selfless.

So here's to hoping.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Boy or Girl?

This little kid's Hip outfits really really make me want a boy

I used to think girl's clothes were so much cuter
but he changed my mind.

Not that I'm basing my preference on clothing
or that I even have a preference really.

 A friend last week was making fun of how other expecting people our age
already have names picked out
and take pictures of their growing belly
and label them with the week of pregnancy.

Mike and I just looked at each other
and pretended we don't do those things too....

PS we are totally going with cloth diapers
no matter how crazy some people think it is
It's good for the planet.
more about that later.


I hope I don't turn out to be ANY of the mom's at the craft store today. You would have thought they never even wanted kids with the way they treated them.

Kids take patience. I know. I even have a hard time with the boys that I nanny sometimes, and I'm never with them for more than like 5 or 6 hours. Today, every time I turned around they were into something they shouldn't have been. Drawing on the fridge with markers, and losing EVERY cap, putting all of the cards for candyland in a bucket of water, almost pushing each other down stairs. I didn't lose my temper or raise my voice. They are kids. What do you expect? They don't know that water ruins paper. They don't think about the fact that the stairs are right behind the brother they are pushing. They don't know which markers are permanent.

If you can't handle them getting into things at the craft store, or asking you to buy them something, don't take them, because I don't want to listen to you talking to your children like they are the worst thing that has ever happened to you.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

An old friend

With my progressing pregnancy, and impending birth of my first child, I've been thinking a lot about the kinds of activities we will be doing as a family, and It has had me thinking of an old friend. This friend and I were very close, although she was a bit older than me, and for a while it was unusual if I went two days without doing some sort of fun activity with her and her daughter and husband. We went to Thanksgiving Point, Gardener Village, the State Fair,  Peach Days, the pumpkin patch, the pool, the Rodeo, and spent weekends at their cabin. They were there for me when I crashed my car, or needed a place to stay. They tried their best to keep me out of trouble, and we told each other everything. We were best friends. We carved pumpkins, made gingerbread houses, went trick or treating together, and even went on vacations together. She always knew when and where the fun activities were, and when there was nothing to do, we fell back on the movies. For about a year and a half i saw EVERY movie that came out. We went to midnight showings of big titles, and dressed up for them. I loved them like family, they treated me like family, and they trusted me with everything. Their dogs, their daughter, and their house, which is why everything fell apart. Turns out I was a wild crazy teenager and all I wanted to do was party, and I used their house to do it in when they left town.

BAD IDEA, and a great way to lose friends. I learned this lesson the hard way, and it's probably the biggest lesson I've ever learned. Never take advantage of someone's trust.

Now, I'm married, and having a baby, and remembering all the fun we had together back then. Wishing I had someone to do these kinds of activities with now. Wishing I had someone to go shopping for maternity clothes with, and someone who I could talk to about all of the things I'm going through. NO offense to anyone, but my childless, single friends just aren't the same. I want someone who can relate to me, and what I'm going through right now. Someone to talk about names with, and make lists of things I'll need. I'm not saying I don't have great friends now, I do, but I don't think anyone will ever take their place.
I've tried to get over it, forget about them, and accept the fact that we are no longer friends, and I'll keep trying, but to me it doesn't feel like I lost a few friends, It's more like I lost part of my family. I pretended for a long time that it wasn't a big deal, but it was, and still is to me. There are just to many memories to just forget about, and too many feelings that the memories stir up.

It sounds like a sob story, yeah. It feels worse than the worst break-up I've ever had. Stupid thing to compare it to, I know. Don't worry, I'm not in some deep dark depression over it or anything, and everything else in my life is really great right now. Like I said, with all of the recent happenings in my life I just haven't been able to get them off of my mind.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


I'm really loving this online clothing store, and the fact that it has Anthropologie-esque clothing at a much much more reasonable price. ALSO the nature of a lot of the clothing would work well with a growing belly.

Another thing I'm loving is that you can shop by size, so i just click on L, and am not forced to look at the beautiful things they carry that unfortunately are out of stock in my size.

It will still never beat Anthropologie though

Monday, November 8, 2010

thoughts on pizza and life

Today I tried a new Pizza place. It isn't new, just new to me. Nick & Willy's in Park City. I had a delicious Hawaiian style pizza that they call the Big Kahuna. The only difference is that it had mandarin oranges along with the ham and pineapple, and it was delicious. I am going to make a pizza like it tonight when our friends Megan and Jason come over for homemade pizza. We make pizza regularly but since it's usually just the two of us, we make one, and it consists of goat cheese smeared on bottom, then sauteed mushrooms, onions, and red peppers, with fresh tomatoes and marinated artichoke hearts. Then we sprinkle asiago and parm on to, and bake it for 25 minutes. we are lazy and use this Boboli pizza crust from the grocery store. Tonight though, we will make 3 pizzas so we are going to have fun trying new things.

I digress. While I was enjoying my personal pizza and drink, there was a mom at the next table with two kids that seemed to be about a year old, and three or four, and the mom was struggling. The baby boy kept squirming out downwards in the highchair trying to escape, only to get his head stuck between the seat and bar. (shouldn't those things have a little bar in between their legs so this isn't possible?) The older toddler wouldn't eat her pizza and kept saying it was hot, and then she wouldn't stop pounding on the table. I tried not to look over, but they were so cute. I felt bad that she was having such a hard time with them, but couldn't help but smile to myself. That is what I have to look forward to. No matter how much you want to be a parent, or how excited you are to have kids, you better go into it knowing that these situations will occur far too often, and you will constantly be struggling to get your kids to behave, eat their food and sit still! Having these problems in public is probably even more stressful because you don't want to irritate the people around you, and you don't want them looking at you as an incapable parent. I thought she was pretty brave to have taken them out to pizza by herself, and she was being very patient with them, and handling the situation pretty well.

I never thought I'd be 22, married and pregnant. In fact I've always criticized my peers for being too young, and not knowing themselves well enough to choose the person they will spend the rest of their lives with. I've always said people need to get out and do things, go places, meet people, different people without the same views and opinions as you. Learn things about the world and yourself. I pictured myself getting married in 5 or 6 years, and starting a family then, but while I was out having fun and trying to experience all of these things I met Mike and things changed. I guess now I think that you can't criticize people for finding a person they love and wanting to be with them forever. You aren't them, and you don't know what is influencing their decisions. Maybe some of them aren't mature enough , and maybe they are. Maybe it will work out anyways, and they will live the life they always wanted, completely happy and satisfied. Maybe it wont, but that's a risk you take when you get married.

Friday, November 5, 2010

November here I come

Something to be thankful for: My Grandpa, who we all call Papa, fell last week and broke his femur! OUCH! That's not the part I'm grateful for, but the part I am is that Papa had his surgery which went very smoothly, and he was moved from the hospital to the rehab center yesterday.
I would be so much better at blogging if I would remember to take my camera anywhere. You know, the new, wonderful camera that I haven't even touched since our honeymoon.

I'm almost feeling better from this first trimester hell I've been in for the last few months. I keep thinking, "oh I'm feeling so much better", and then comes the tummy aches and vomit. ANY day now I'm supposed to stop feeling this way. I'm very impatient, and am too eagerly awaiting our next ultrasound. It's hard when you're not sure what's happening in there, I'm constantly wondering if something really is in fact growing and flourishing, or if it has stopped, and It's little heart beat is no more. Maybe that is a sad morbid thought, but it's my thought.

On to better and brighter things
We totally scored a free crib, AND the wonderful family I nanny for has offered to give us their BOB stroller in May. That means that the two most expensive, and more important things are wiped off of the list. Now I just have to be patient and wait for spring, when you will find my pregnant ass at every yard sale in park city, bartering over the barely-used overpriced baby Items that I'm going to get for a real bargain. Park city is definitely the place to score great deals.

This week I've been glued to the computer screen, and wasting a lot of time, but I do stumble upon some pretty awesome things on the World Wide Web. Here are some of them :

I stumbled upon This blog post by a wonderful Mom about her son's awesome Halloween costume, and other people's not-so-awesome reaction.

A Cup of Jo a blog by a New York mom and magazine writer, is a daily read. LOVE it

This Picture of this mom's new baby

These PERFECT Halloween Costumes:


Strawberry Shortcake

Halloween must be one of the most perfect days of the year when you have kids.
I'm pretty excited for it.