Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I decided I am going to be totally honest because there isn't a reason not to really. I am very excited to go to the hospital tomorrow, and also very nervous.  To me, being pregnant doesn't necessarily mean that I will have a baby in 6 months and I will probably feel that way for a while. With every small pain or cramp, and every absence of pregnancy symptoms comes a overwhelming feeling of worry. I'm a total stress case, and I'm so afraid of miscarrying because I've miscarried before.

Mike and I decided quite a while ago that we wanted to have a family.  I might be a bit young for it, but mike certainly isn't, and I don't want to wait much longer. I want him to have children while he is still able to play catch with them and teach them to ski. I decided I have forever to go to school, and find a career, but  I might not have forever to raise children with Mike.

We had no religious or ethical reason to be married before we had a child. In fact, it was much more financially manageable for us back then if we weren't married. That way I could stay on my dad's insurance, which was much better than anything we could have afforded. I would qualify as a single mother for scholarships and grants when I went to school. Other than that, we just didn't feel the need to be married.

We found out we were prego in February, were enamoured with the idea of a little baby. I went for the first ultrasound, and saw that little heartbeat and just couldn't contain my excitement, so against all recommendations, I went ahead and told people. I told friends, and family, confident that by this November I would have a baby, and oblivious to how many pregnancies end in early miscarriage.

Mike asked me to marry him the day before our 12 week ultrasound. We were so happy, and of course I said yes. The next day, we went in to see the doctor, and got ready to see what was happening with our baby, and that little bean that should have looked like a baby by then, was still a little bean, and there was no little heartbeat. It had probably stopped growing not long after that first ultrasound.

and that was that.

We went home. I asked Megan to tell everyone so I didn't have to talk about it, and we were sad. We took down the crib, and put all of the baby stuff in a closet, which we avoided until just recently. Then we decided we needed something else to look forward too, so we started planning our wedding.

Things have gone smoothly since then, and we aren't so upset about the miscarriage anymore. This is how it was meant to be. We learned so much from that experience, and grew together. We had a wonderful summer, an amazing vacation, and a perfect wedding. Mike's loves his new job, and the benefits are almost identical to the plan I was on before. Now we feel so prepared, and so ready for whatever comes our way.

This time we proceeded with caution after the positive pregnancy test. We encouraged each other not to get too excited or too caught up in planning for a baby. We waited until 11 weeks to even see the doctor, and after that to tell anyone. In fact the first person to find out was Megan and that is only because she happened to have a doctor's appt. that same day at the same time in the same office. We ran into her there. What a coincidence. We wont put the crib up until we see what tomorrow's ultrasound brings. and we're crossing our fingers and praying to whatever higher power is out there that tomorrow holds good news.

It's unlikely that it would happen again, but not unheard of, and I can't imagine what we would do if we had to go through it again, and again. My dreams of a baby will most likely be answered, and soon.

My heart goes out to the people who have been hoping to be parents much longer than I have. People who have had to accept the fact that they will not have a family by natural means. People who have to struggle through fertility treatments and artificial insemination, and people who have had to give up on that, and hope that through adoption their family might someday be complete.

I am so blessed and so grateful that It is possible for me to bear children, and so sad for my friends who cannot. I hope everyday for them, that they will have the family they so want and deserve. I even found myself wishing for triplets with the thought that maybe I could give my friends a baby. I don't think that even if we had triplets that I could find it in my heart to be that selfless.

So here's to hoping.


Dad said...

I'm praying for you, too.

Holly said...

I hope tomorrow goes well for you. I'll be crossing fingers and sending all manner of positive thoughts your way.
Thanks too for the sensitive thoughts about people who struggle. It makes it so much easier to be one who struggles when you have friends that are kind.
Can't wait to hear about your appointment.