Eight months ago
I was not quite a mother.
When looking through photos of this day, this one grabbed me. Not sure why. When compared with the hundreds of similar ones, there isn't anything of noticeable significance, but all the same it caught my eye. It took me back.
So tiny. So dreamy and sleepy and new.
And now. So big. So aware, and strong and demanding. So stubborn. So beautiful and chubby and giggly and toothy. My Dear Hazel. She still sleeps with me every night. I curl my body around her, and she fits right where she always has, and I know that she will not always fit there, sleep there.
Now I wonder every day whether what I am doing for her is the right thing. I think and think, and rethink.
And now I treasure my moments with her........and I treasure my moments alone, few and far between.
And I wonder every day about her hair, what color it will be and when will I be able to braid it, will she even let me?
And her face, what will it look like? And every day it changes but it's still just the same.
And the firsts are coming and going. In fact just now, as I was writing, she turned over in her sleep for the very first time from her back to her belly. We've raced past the first smile, the first giggle, the first time she sat up, her first foods, her first tooth, her first big fall, the first time she really reached for me, and even the first time she pulled herself up to stand. I'm not sure how we got to this place, already past half way to a year.
The last eight months have certainly not been the easiest of my life. I have had to admit a lot of things about myself that I didn't want to. I have had to work on my patience and understanding a great deal. I have had to make hard choices. I have had to make big changes. Despite all of those hard things though, these last eight months have certainly been the most perfect, the most fulfilling, and the most rewarding of my life.
I was not quite a mother.
When looking through photos of this day, this one grabbed me. Not sure why. When compared with the hundreds of similar ones, there isn't anything of noticeable significance, but all the same it caught my eye. It took me back.
So tiny. So dreamy and sleepy and new.
And now. So big. So aware, and strong and demanding. So stubborn. So beautiful and chubby and giggly and toothy. My Dear Hazel. She still sleeps with me every night. I curl my body around her, and she fits right where she always has, and I know that she will not always fit there, sleep there.
Now I wonder every day whether what I am doing for her is the right thing. I think and think, and rethink.
And now I treasure my moments with her........and I treasure my moments alone, few and far between.
And I wonder every day about her hair, what color it will be and when will I be able to braid it, will she even let me?
And her face, what will it look like? And every day it changes but it's still just the same.
And the firsts are coming and going. In fact just now, as I was writing, she turned over in her sleep for the very first time from her back to her belly. We've raced past the first smile, the first giggle, the first time she sat up, her first foods, her first tooth, her first big fall, the first time she really reached for me, and even the first time she pulled herself up to stand. I'm not sure how we got to this place, already past half way to a year.
The last eight months have certainly not been the easiest of my life. I have had to admit a lot of things about myself that I didn't want to. I have had to work on my patience and understanding a great deal. I have had to make hard choices. I have had to make big changes. Despite all of those hard things though, these last eight months have certainly been the most perfect, the most fulfilling, and the most rewarding of my life.
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