I was ready....

I've been feeling off for the last few days
My feelings surrounding Briana's death have been confusing.
I lost my confidence, my calmm.
I told baby to stay in there until I feel ready again.

A mixture of anger and sadness, along with the feeling that I did not even know her - who am I to be feeling so this way? What about her close friends and family? But what about me? The Birth of my child? the unfairness, that she will not be there. Then, I feel selfish for thinking of myself. I shouldn't feel bad about that.

We would have known her-she would have been a part of our family, as she was with all of the other families who's babies she caught. We could have been close. We are not mourning the loss of a close close friend who we have known for ages, but we are mourning the loss of the opportunity of knowing her. Mourning the loss of experiencing her tenderness, knowledge, peace, and nurturing.

That is okay, for us to be sad and angry.We were looking forward to those plans. Today I feel good. The sun is out. I know everything will be okay, and I am beginning to feel confident and prepared again.

She came to our house just on Thursday, and palpated my belly, and laughed as the baby kicked and punched. "Mike, come feel this", she said, and showed him her feet, here, her back, here, and her head, down here. In position, ready to be born. She listened to the heartbeat. She sat in the rocking chair in the baby corner and smiled as she rocked in it. She looked at my little baby clothes and told me how excited she was, and how ready we are, and how great of parents we will be. She asked me if I was doing okay, and if anything was bothering me. She told me to eat a dozen eggs a week, and drink plenty of water. She told me how beautiful our home is, and how great Mike is for taking such good care of me. She gave me a big hug, and walked out into the snow in her red rainboots.Then she texted me to reassure me that I was doing great, and to just call her if I needed ANYTHING.

I feel good about Cathy, and I trust that this is how it is meant to be.

Also, I am getting sick of eggs :)