I'm going to be honest. I'm sending this out into the universe. Something has been missing lately. I've felt a sense of longing for something....I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It's been lingering for a while, before hazel came along, maybe it appeared sometime during my pregnancy. Feelings of lonliness, the idea that I am inadequate, incapable of accomplishing even simple everyday tasks. I thought I was lacking friends....that isn't true. I have many many loving and caring people in my life, but...... it has been a long time since I have had a good group of friends. Since I felt I had a place in the community. A sense of belonging among my peers. In a little town like this, how do I find a place, when I can't even meet people. I don't like the way I feel these days. Sometimes I feel like I live in a foreign country....Of course I have good times, a lot of them.....but when I find myself at home just me and Hazel...these feelings creep in, and they overwhelm me at times. Even when I spend time with one friend, I still feel that lonliness. There are so many new and wonderful things happening in my life....I just want people to share them with. Not a person here or there. A community. People.
I thought, maybe, I should go to church...but I don't want to go. I just want friends. It seems silly to go to church just to meet people......I dont know. How else, in a place like this?
I will stand in the grocery with a sign that reads: "I need friends", or "Will work for friendship".... Oh gosh.....there, I told you all what I am REALLY feeling.