Mothers

I have always found such beauty in motherhood. Now that I am a mother, and have felt what mothers feel, the depth of emotion I see in motherhood is so much bigger than I imagined. Stunning. There is nothing more fantastic, more pure than a mother with her child.

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Hot Mom

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I would be such a hot mom, rockin this outfit with Hazel on my hip.....right?

Tumblrs Worth Stumbling Upon...

I LOVE Stumbling upon a good tumblr. The thing about tumblr is that there are plenty of them that are full of page after page of fantastic, outrageous photographs and quotes without a lot of the jibber jabber that other blogs (like mine) contain. Here are a few of my favs:

A Well Traveled Woman

French Knot

Oh, Pioneer!

Rachel Swan Design

Scroll away. Be  Inspired.

Happenings....

Leave it to me to do some really fun projects, and completely neglect to photograph them. Here is what I have been up to. My mom spied this beauty while I was scrolling through my Pinterest board for projects to do that I could pretend were completely original ideas of mine. I'm pretty sure had she not seen it it would have been one of the many projects that sat undone. Thankfully she jumped right in, found some old canvas we had lying around, and gathered the supplies and now Hazel has her very own swing hanging in our entry, and it even has springs that can be attached to make it a jumpy swing. She loves it.

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 A friend of mine and I have a craft night every Thursday, except it never actually happens on Thursday. plans have changed all three times and we have ended up doing it on a Friday the first week, not at all the second week, and Saturday the third week. Oh well, at least we are doing it. Today we created this lovely little knitting needle case. Tutorial via Design Sponge. I changed it up a little with olive green bias tape for the trim, and I used a decorative stitch for the edges instead of a straight stitch, just for fun. I gifted it to my Mom who has turned into a professional knitter practically overnight.

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Gathering supplies to build this fun little playscape for some kids I know. It costs hardly anything, and it was fun to gather the supplies today. I literally walked down my driveway, and pointed out an aspen that mike could cut down, and gathered the rest of the wood from the woodpile. Easy Peasy.

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cool kid

Right?

Eight

Eight months ago
I was not quite a mother.

When looking through photos of this day, this one grabbed me. Not sure why. When compared with the hundreds of similar ones, there isn't anything of noticeable significance, but all the same it caught my eye. It took me back.
 

So tiny. So dreamy and sleepy and new.


And now. So big. So aware, and strong and demanding. So stubborn. So beautiful and chubby and giggly and toothy. My Dear Hazel. She still sleeps with me every night. I curl my body around her, and she fits right where she always has, and I know that she will not always fit there, sleep there.
Now I wonder every day whether what I am doing for her is the right thing. I think and think, and rethink.
And now I treasure my moments with her........and I treasure my moments alone, few and far between.
And I wonder every day about her hair, what color it will be and when will I be able to braid it, will she even let me?
And her face, what will it look like? And every day it changes but it's still just the same.
And the firsts are coming and going. In fact just now, as I was writing, she turned over in her sleep for the very first time from her back to her belly. We've raced past the first smile, the first giggle, the first time she sat up, her first foods, her first tooth, her first big fall, the first time she really reached for me, and even the first time she pulled herself up to stand.  I'm not sure how we got to this place, already past half way to a year.
The last eight months have certainly not been the easiest of my life. I have had to admit a lot of things about myself that I didn't want to. I have had to work on my patience and understanding a great deal. I have had to make hard choices. I have had to make big changes. Despite all of those hard things though, these last eight months have certainly been the most perfect, the most fulfilling, and the most rewarding of my life.

On being photogenic....

can't I get ONE photo where we both look good? ONE?

Better Late then Never

Finally getting around to posting a few photos from Christmas time. There were some family festivities, which I don't have pictures of, but I do have some pictures from the month, and our quiet little Christmas morning. 

H at 8 months:
         Favorite food: Hazel hasn't taken a particular liking to any certain food, although if you hand her a pickle it will keep her occupied for a while, and if you try to take it away you WILL hear about it. Her very favorite thing to eat isn't food at all. It is any sort of paper she can get a hold of, whether it's a receipt from the store, a tag hanging from a new stuffed animal, a piece of cardboard, or a magazine.

        Favorite toy: I would have to say her green "squishy fish". A bath toy that she LOVES to chew on. It must feel really good on all the many teeth that have appeared in the last few weeks. She is also pretty fond of her felt food that her grandpa mike got her for Christmas, and wooden spoons.

         Milestones: She is so close to crawling, but still just not quite there. I think in the next few weeks though, I'll be chasing her around the house. That is exciting, and terrifying at the same time. Like I said, she has been getting so many teeth. She has four, going on eight! Every time I look in that mouth there is a new little white tooth popping through. She probably wakes up once or twice a night, but falls right back to sleep, and she takes about three naps a day.

         Very Favorite thing: Being outside. She loves it outside, and doesn't mind the cold at all. If she is even a little fussy all I have to do is take her outside and she will chill right out.

          Least favorite thing: Undoubtedly the car. She HATES the car, and the car seat with all of her might. It takes everything I have sometimes to get where we are going. I have to leave early, just in case I have to stop and comfort her because she is screaming and crying so hard. It gets pretty overwhelming at times, and has probably been the hardest thing for me since becoming a mom. Hazel is spoiled and most of the time I don't let her cry for too long, so listening to her incessant screaming in the backseat of the car breaks my heart, and has pretty nearly brought on anxiety attacks. When I do stop, and pull her out she is all sweaty from crying so hard, and sometimes shaking. Have I mentioned how much i hate this? If I time things just right, she will be either tired enough to fall asleep, or in a good enough mood to play back there, but generally after five o'clock, I know I'm screwed. I am crossing my fingers that this behavior will change soon.



         

Right Now*

Red embers are glowing in the fireplace. The Christmas tree is twinkling in the corner. A humble, lovely, and uniquely wrapped stack of packages is nestled beneath. A mixture of kraft paper, twine, wooden tags, and white marker, plain white paper decorated wth red marker or bright orange duct-tape, and a little bit of silver and gold mixed in. The most perfect pile of gifts I've seen. Three woolen stockings hang on the wall. Various handmade gift projects are scattered around the room, still in progress. The water is trickling in the bathroom, to keep pipes from freezing here in the mountains. Doggies are sleeping on the floor. A fuzzy headed, not-so-little girl is cuddled cozily on my lap, in her red pink and green Christmas jammies. I'm feelin good.

Christmas? That comes every 2 years, right?

You should see my house right now. I would take a picture...but that means I would have to find the camera, and be lucky enough to find a sd card inside it, and a charged battery. I have had one of those weeks. I feel like I have cleaned. Cleaned hard. I feel like I have done dishes, and laundry....but I must not have. I haven't even made food. Like a real meal. I've been living off granola bars, and sweets, and whatever mike makes for me. the complete lack of nutrition explains how down and stressed I'm feeling. I have found myself dehydrated, with a raging headache, scrambling to get Christmas projects finished...I mean started. And my skin? What a disaster. My scalp, and the backs of my knees, and the insides of my elbows are dry as a bone and they hurt. I would moisturize them....if I had a spare second, but even then they would just be dry tomorrow. I am struggling. I was going really good for a few weeks there, I made Mike lunches and made good dinners, and drew up meal plans and only shopped once a week and I even put myself on a diet that is supposed to help with skin problems.This last week has been a complete fail, and I can see that this week will be too. Everything is a great big mess, in my home, and in my head. I am not even close to being ready for this holiday weekend. Excuse me if I just write off Christmas 2011 completely. I promise I will make up for it next year. Thanks.

Kaelee

ouch

you know the moment when you're feeding your baby and she's happily nursing, la de dah de dah, and then she starts humming, and then kind of stops nursing and is blowing bubbles out of her mouth and you think "hmm, is she done?" and you decide to see if she'll latch back on for good measure, and then CLAMP she bites down hard with those piranha teeth and you CAN'T GET HER TO LET GO!?!?!

Well I do
and it's not cool my friends.
Not cool.

2011

Mike and I have been talking about some Goals and ideas for the new year that is rapidly approaching. It got me thinking about this last year, and what I have accomplished. I could only think of one thing. I'm sure you can guess what it is.


I had a baby.

But there must be more than that. I kept thinking. What did I do? An entire year, and the only thing that comes to mind is that one, albeit astronomical event. I logged onto my computer, located my pictures file, and began sorting through photos beginning in January. Mike opening birthday gifts, all of which were for this future baby girl. Me, with a barely-showing pregnant potbelly. February. Mike painting the bedroom the second shade of blue that I chose. Working on baby's little nook. March. Snowshoeing at the cabin. A day with mike at his job, driving the snow-cat. all documented with ridiculous pictures of my tummy. April. A pretty bulbous belly now, a painted room, with wall hangings hung, bed sheets sewn, and a momma-made flower mobile suspended over a little papa-made crib. Perfect. Ready. May. A baby. Lots and lots of pictures of a baby! June-baby, July-baby...... Of course there are pictures of us at concerts, our weekend in Colorado, Holidays, and so forth, but what is any of that in comparison to the mind-blowing, heart wrenching experience of having a child, when you had never had one before? So I suppose when I look back at the year 2011, the most profound and life-changing year in my short lifetime, all I will be able to say about it is one thing. I became a mother. My child was born.

Giving Thanks

A husband who works hard all day, only to come home to a messy house, and make me dinner. AND do the dishes.

A friend who lives just a canyon over, a few miles away, instead of an hour away. 

A Mom who lives right outside my front door (for the winter) and spends her days off working on MY projects around MY house and for MY baby, instead of all the many projects she needs to complete. she keeps me sane.

Siblings. I can't imagine not having grown up with them, and each of them are so special to me.

A dad who is always there to talk to, who drives an hour just to visit me, and bring me lunch.

And a little girl, to whom my mistakes and shortcomings mean nothing. Who at the end of the day wants nothing more that to cuddle up with me and fall to sleep.

luvin

Confessions...

*I don't wear necklaces. EVER.
*I have the worst dandruff known to mankind. Sometimes. Only in the winter, but I have tried EVERYTHING.
*I will probably never stop biting my nails.
*I don't own much jewelery.
*I like 80's stuff.....a lot, even though I'm not generally bold enough to wear it.
*I wish I could dress fancy, but I don't ever have a reason to.
*I have no Idea what it means when people put this # in front of what they type.....
*I feel like I never have anything clever or witty to say.
*I haven't REALLY exercised since I had a baby.....or since way before that. I mean, I've walked, and Hiked, swam a little here and there, but worked up a real sweat? Yeah folks, it's been like a year. Or so.
*Today I REALLY, REALLY laughed. Like when are having a sleep over you can't stop and you almost pee your pants and you have to sit on the ground so you don't. Over nothing.
It. Felt. So. Good. (Thanks, mom)
*I feel great about my body. Really, really great.
*Hazel is still wearing the clothes I put on her before bedtime yesterday.
*I REALLY miss people.
* Sad movies, even GREAT sad movies, they ruin my day......sometimes week.
* I'm searching for something, someone, somewhere
*I'm not a fan of shirts with words on them.
*I haven't left Hazel with anyone for more than ninety minutes ever, the whole six months she has been alive. Once my mom took her on like a ninety minute walk. Once I took a placement exam and she stayed in the car with mike. Once I left her at my dads for like twenty minutes. She's never even touched a bottle.....I just haven't felt the need. Also, I have never even tried to have her sleep in her own bed. She's just always been right here next to me. Every night. And we sleep like babies.
*I'm always worried about missing out on something. I always want to be out doing something fun all the time, but I hardly ever am.
*I am the epitome of disorganization.

Lazy Day

It's been a lazy, snuggly, sleepy, constant nursing kind of day 'round here. I love it.

she does this thing when she's hungry

where she opens her mouth wide

sticks her tongue out ALL the way

and waits for it.

KILLS ME.

cleaned out some phone photos
for your enjoyment:

DAYS old.

so tiny.

  

Little Buds.

he calls her baby kazel

or dazel

he's not quite getting the H sound.

he says she's gonna get big soon, so they can play:)

Dreaming....

THIS Wee one.

Curled up tight.

Snuggled on my lap.

Nursing. Nuzzling. Sleeping. Cuddling.

My favorite time of daymy life.

These little whisps of hair are growing longer.

Her little voice grows louder.

Her face, rounder. more expressive.

Her movements, more deliberate.

Her eyes, more curious.

I imagine her a year from now

curled up on the same mama-lap.

Different.

Tiny curls, and skinned knees, and long, toddler legs.

Yearning for understanding.

yet, same.

same eyes. same soul.

We'll be sittin in this same loft, late late at night.

and she will be

Nursing. Nuzzling. Sleeping. Cuddling.

Slow down