Right Now*

Red embers are glowing in the fireplace. The Christmas tree is twinkling in the corner. A humble, lovely, and uniquely wrapped stack of packages is nestled beneath. A mixture of kraft paper, twine, wooden tags, and white marker, plain white paper decorated wth red marker or bright orange duct-tape, and a little bit of silver and gold mixed in. The most perfect pile of gifts I've seen. Three woolen stockings hang on the wall. Various handmade gift projects are scattered around the room, still in progress. The water is trickling in the bathroom, to keep pipes from freezing here in the mountains. Doggies are sleeping on the floor. A fuzzy headed, not-so-little girl is cuddled cozily on my lap, in her red pink and green Christmas jammies. I'm feelin good.

Christmas? That comes every 2 years, right?

You should see my house right now. I would take a picture...but that means I would have to find the camera, and be lucky enough to find a sd card inside it, and a charged battery. I have had one of those weeks. I feel like I have cleaned. Cleaned hard. I feel like I have done dishes, and laundry....but I must not have. I haven't even made food. Like a real meal. I've been living off granola bars, and sweets, and whatever mike makes for me. the complete lack of nutrition explains how down and stressed I'm feeling. I have found myself dehydrated, with a raging headache, scrambling to get Christmas projects finished...I mean started. And my skin? What a disaster. My scalp, and the backs of my knees, and the insides of my elbows are dry as a bone and they hurt. I would moisturize them....if I had a spare second, but even then they would just be dry tomorrow. I am struggling. I was going really good for a few weeks there, I made Mike lunches and made good dinners, and drew up meal plans and only shopped once a week and I even put myself on a diet that is supposed to help with skin problems.This last week has been a complete fail, and I can see that this week will be too. Everything is a great big mess, in my home, and in my head. I am not even close to being ready for this holiday weekend. Excuse me if I just write off Christmas 2011 completely. I promise I will make up for it next year. Thanks.

Kaelee

ouch

you know the moment when you're feeding your baby and she's happily nursing, la de dah de dah, and then she starts humming, and then kind of stops nursing and is blowing bubbles out of her mouth and you think "hmm, is she done?" and you decide to see if she'll latch back on for good measure, and then CLAMP she bites down hard with those piranha teeth and you CAN'T GET HER TO LET GO!?!?!

Well I do
and it's not cool my friends.
Not cool.

2011

Mike and I have been talking about some Goals and ideas for the new year that is rapidly approaching. It got me thinking about this last year, and what I have accomplished. I could only think of one thing. I'm sure you can guess what it is.


I had a baby.

But there must be more than that. I kept thinking. What did I do? An entire year, and the only thing that comes to mind is that one, albeit astronomical event. I logged onto my computer, located my pictures file, and began sorting through photos beginning in January. Mike opening birthday gifts, all of which were for this future baby girl. Me, with a barely-showing pregnant potbelly. February. Mike painting the bedroom the second shade of blue that I chose. Working on baby's little nook. March. Snowshoeing at the cabin. A day with mike at his job, driving the snow-cat. all documented with ridiculous pictures of my tummy. April. A pretty bulbous belly now, a painted room, with wall hangings hung, bed sheets sewn, and a momma-made flower mobile suspended over a little papa-made crib. Perfect. Ready. May. A baby. Lots and lots of pictures of a baby! June-baby, July-baby...... Of course there are pictures of us at concerts, our weekend in Colorado, Holidays, and so forth, but what is any of that in comparison to the mind-blowing, heart wrenching experience of having a child, when you had never had one before? So I suppose when I look back at the year 2011, the most profound and life-changing year in my short lifetime, all I will be able to say about it is one thing. I became a mother. My child was born.

Because You can't stop christmas shopping...and wishing

first and foremost, i found the link to those moccasins boots I posted on my gift guide: HERE

One.  Two. 

Three.  Four.

Five.  Six.

Seven.  Eight.

Nine.   Ten.

Eleven. 

Twelve.

The Holiday Wishlist

Thanksgiving @ the Everett's

 

 We had a little Thanksgiving get together the Monday after thanksgiving with my mom, her boyfriend Joel, my brothers, and sister. Unfortunately Brant couldn't make it. It's so fun to see these two little babies growing together. They are just a few days apart, and its fun to see the similarities in their development.

I'm making some progress on this advent calendar of ours. Maybe we will get to use it next year

My baby is getting so big!

The Holiday Wishlist

When it comes to toys for Hazel, I'm sure you guessed that we are leaning more towards wooden, natural products. They really are some really great companies out there making wonderful, natural, simple toys that encourage imagination (the simpler the toy, the more things they can imagine it to be) as well as focus.

I'm also trying to focus more on buying either local or second-hand, and that goes for Christmas as well.

Clothing-wise, she needs warm wintery clothes in sizes 6-12, and some spring/summer clothes in 12+. We are loving knit tights around here, and definitely don't have enough. I love throwing those on under her pants, an extra layer, and I don't have to worry about her socks falling off all day! Another great, easy gift would be books. What was your favorite childhood storybook?

The Holiday Wishlist

Let's face it. No one around here deserves to enjoy the holidays more than Mike. No one works harder, or sacrifices more, and  no one has spent as many holidays wishing for a family to share them with. The thing is, it's not just Christmas that comes around this time each year. It's Mike's birthday as well. January 3rd. So, in case anyone needs ideas, here are a few.

Giving Thanks

A husband who works hard all day, only to come home to a messy house, and make me dinner. AND do the dishes.

A friend who lives just a canyon over, a few miles away, instead of an hour away. 

A Mom who lives right outside my front door (for the winter) and spends her days off working on MY projects around MY house and for MY baby, instead of all the many projects she needs to complete. she keeps me sane.

Siblings. I can't imagine not having grown up with them, and each of them are so special to me.

A dad who is always there to talk to, who drives an hour just to visit me, and bring me lunch.

And a little girl, to whom my mistakes and shortcomings mean nothing. Who at the end of the day wants nothing more that to cuddle up with me and fall to sleep.

More phone photos + new shoes!!!

 pretty sure my baby owns the most badass pair of little hand made mukluks on the planet.

yeah.

This Man of Mine

He lives for big mountains and black dogs. Old motorbikes, and his girls

.

His hands are always dirty. He works hard.

His favorite clothes are of good quality and have fulfilled their purpose. His old wool sweater with holes in it, which I attempted more than once to carelessly discard.

His many pairs of carharts that I advise him to trade in for GAP jeans when we go out to dinner. 

He is older and wiser, though I forget and deny it.

I am finally beginning to understand. Grasping who he is.

He is authentic. He is not the boys I have spent my life chasing after.

 This husband I love, and this place he has built for us. I haven't given the respect or appreciation that is deserved.

I am learning.

 photos via:
http://awelltraveledwoman.tumblr.com
http://youngmanandoldsoul.tumblr.com/
http://ohpioneer.com/

luvin

Confessions...

*I don't wear necklaces. EVER.
*I have the worst dandruff known to mankind. Sometimes. Only in the winter, but I have tried EVERYTHING.
*I will probably never stop biting my nails.
*I don't own much jewelery.
*I like 80's stuff.....a lot, even though I'm not generally bold enough to wear it.
*I wish I could dress fancy, but I don't ever have a reason to.
*I have no Idea what it means when people put this # in front of what they type.....
*I feel like I never have anything clever or witty to say.
*I haven't REALLY exercised since I had a baby.....or since way before that. I mean, I've walked, and Hiked, swam a little here and there, but worked up a real sweat? Yeah folks, it's been like a year. Or so.
*Today I REALLY, REALLY laughed. Like when are having a sleep over you can't stop and you almost pee your pants and you have to sit on the ground so you don't. Over nothing.
It. Felt. So. Good. (Thanks, mom)
*I feel great about my body. Really, really great.
*Hazel is still wearing the clothes I put on her before bedtime yesterday.
*I REALLY miss people.
* Sad movies, even GREAT sad movies, they ruin my day......sometimes week.
* I'm searching for something, someone, somewhere
*I'm not a fan of shirts with words on them.
*I haven't left Hazel with anyone for more than ninety minutes ever, the whole six months she has been alive. Once my mom took her on like a ninety minute walk. Once I took a placement exam and she stayed in the car with mike. Once I left her at my dads for like twenty minutes. She's never even touched a bottle.....I just haven't felt the need. Also, I have never even tried to have her sleep in her own bed. She's just always been right here next to me. Every night. And we sleep like babies.
*I'm always worried about missing out on something. I always want to be out doing something fun all the time, but I hardly ever am.
*I am the epitome of disorganization.

Lazy Day

It's been a lazy, snuggly, sleepy, constant nursing kind of day 'round here. I love it.

she does this thing when she's hungry

where she opens her mouth wide

sticks her tongue out ALL the way

and waits for it.

KILLS ME.

cleaned out some phone photos
for your enjoyment:

DAYS old.

so tiny.

  

Little Buds.

he calls her baby kazel

or dazel

he's not quite getting the H sound.

he says she's gonna get big soon, so they can play:)

SO we finally got this sattelite internet called wild blue. over 10 more gigabytes of data a month, for the same price and MUCH better service than the lame T-mobile airvcard we have been using. Got it all hooked up, and it was super slow-the guy said it was definitely not the internet, so we went to best buy to get our computer checked out. $200.00, and 2 days later, we still don't have our computer (I'm using my mom's netbook). UGH.

The thing I dislike the most abuout all of this is the realization of my dependance on being connected - and my unwilingness to ever give that up. I can go without tv, I actually think my life is much much better without it, but Internet? NO WAY.

On to better things. Bread baking is a lot harder than I thought it would be-or I uess i just expect bread to taste a whole lot better than it does. People claim that they save money by baking their own bread, but im not seeing that....I'll keep on keeping on though.

I'm learning to knit.....soon. Im pretty eager to dive right in, because I saw the most bad-ass socks at my friend Ariel's house, which her mother had knitted for her. I WANT THOSE SOCKS!!! But, apparently thats some pretty advanced stuff right there, so I am starting with a hat instead. My friend Jill is pretty badass at knitting, and she's gonna teach me. She lives in Samak, and has to rad little boys. We have playdates every tuesday. Have I mentioned how nice it is to have a few friends in my neighborhood. I've still gotta buy the supplies though. Everything costs so much money! hah, you'd think it would be cheaper to make your own socks, sew your own dress, and bake your own bread.....I guess eventually it might be, but the learning process, getting to the point where you're good at all of these things....Seems expensive. Maybe it's all of the wasted materials, when you mess up (yeah, I admit I mess up).

Hazel's getting big. Giggly. Well, she also has two little teeth on the bottom which mean that sometimes she's NOT so giggly- or in other words she has been crying a bit more lately. Like I said before. it seems the more she laughs, the more she cries. Give and take. I Love her anyway.

No pictures (due to the lack of computer) BUT I've been meaning to post about Halloween. Definitely my favorite Holiday! Maybe by Thanksgiving.

Dreaming....

THIS Wee one.

Curled up tight.

Snuggled on my lap.

Nursing. Nuzzling. Sleeping. Cuddling.

My favorite time of daymy life.

These little whisps of hair are growing longer.

Her little voice grows louder.

Her face, rounder. more expressive.

Her movements, more deliberate.

Her eyes, more curious.

I imagine her a year from now

curled up on the same mama-lap.

Different.

Tiny curls, and skinned knees, and long, toddler legs.

Yearning for understanding.

yet, same.

same eyes. same soul.

We'll be sittin in this same loft, late late at night.

and she will be

Nursing. Nuzzling. Sleeping. Cuddling.

Slow down

Load of pictures....and MORE of my crazy ideas.

I've been a little more than absent on here lately. I don't really have a reason.

Here are some pictures to make up for it:

When did my baby get big enough to sit in that high chair? I don't know how many times I will say this, but KIDS GROW TOO FAST.

Also- how did I happen to get THE cutest baby in the world?

I have been thinking a lot lately about the fact that soon enough, this little girl is gonna watch every tiny thing I do-and want to do it too. There are so many thing I do that I don't want to pass on to her. One of them is how often I use the Internet and computer. I really don't believe that this sort of technology will help kids in any way shape or form. I think it easy easy to use, and easy to learn-so they can learn it later in life. I need to get away from it, so that I can focus more on the natural things around us, and use them to teach her.

Phones too- Hazel isn't going to be one of those five-year-olds with a cell phone.

And I am going to home school her. NO, her social life wont suffer. I think that my education was extremely overshadowed by my Oh-So-Important Social Life. The things kids are exposed to in school, and the quality of the schools themselves have only gone down hill since I was in school. Standardized testing in Kindergarten, let alone the first-sixth grade is heinous- and I think that the one-size fits all method of teaching in school is equally outrageous. In fact, I think that school is made boring, and if you want a kind to learn the best thing to do is keep them interested.

A healthy social life is not fostered in a school. There are many more productive social settings, that don't distract from learning, or the things that are most important. If she has plenty of time to find herself- unhindered by the overwhelming peer and media influences found in elementary, and junior High. then by the time she is subjected to them she will already know WHO she is, and what she stands for. She will be able to observe those things, and form her very own opinions about them. Not my opinion. Not the cheerleader's opinion. Her very own, unfaltering, confident opinions. That is what I hope for her.

We want to give her the BEST role models a kid could have. A firefighting grandpa who is always there to serve. A do-it-all grandma who doesn't let her gender hold her back from fixing cars, building houses, and climbing mountains. Strong women who work hard, and play hard, and know what is important. People with real skills- knitting, to make your own clothes. Gardening, to grown your own food. We want her to learn far more that Math, English, Science, and History. We want her to learn carpentry, music, beekeeping, photography. We want her to learn that life and learning can be fun and exciting. Instead of reading about Native American rituals and traditions in books, we can GO and EXPERIENCE them in real life. We want to give her real life tools to do real life things, instead of sending her through school and telling her she can "do ANYTHING" only to have her graduate and realize she has no real skills. That getting an A on a math test probably wont get you a career that you love. (unless of course you love teaching kids to pass math tests)

I know I think a lot of things- and I feel very strongly about them. We are doing things differently here in the Everett household-and different is okay.

Her Only

I really dislike how I am the ONLY person that is able to calm Hazel down. The only person she wants when she is sad. After an entire day of waiting for Mike to get home, and take the baby off of my hands for a moment......She just wants me.

But I reallyLOVE how I am the ONE person she wants. No one else. I LOVE how I can pick her up when she is crying and she just stops. And cuddles me. How she stares at me when I hand her to other people. How I can make her giggle so much more than anyone else. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it... quite a bit more than I don't. I am her world. I wont always be.

She is starting to hold me back. To cling. And my heart just keeps growing....

“To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen, to love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee, that’s really hard, and I can tell you as a parent that’s excruciatingly difficult, to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of kind of terror, when we’re wondering, “Can I love you this much?”, “Can I believe in this this passionately?”, “Can I be this fierce about this?”, just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say “I’m just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.” And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we’re enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, “I’m enough,” Then, we stop screaming and start listening. We’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.”

Brene Brown

BOOBS. They're really great.

That is Hazel and I, the day she was born.

After hours of hard work, the first thing that little one wanted to do was eat. Being squeezed tight through the birth canal was no easy feat! She was tired and hungry. She knew just what to do. It was immediate. It was perfect. We haven't had a single breastfeeding problem. Ever.

That is my baby.

And THAT is my boob. It's huge I know. It makes milk so I can keep my child alive. It's Loaded with it. I am a milk making machine.

It is amazing, human milk. Research it. you'll find out.

WHAT is the big deal?

My baby is a picky eater. She hardly eats when she is covered up by a blanket. Probably because she gets hot. I don't like to eat when I am hot. Maybe she enjoys looking around while she eats. I know I do.
 

Should it concern me if she doesn't eat enough? well, in fact it should, I am growing a child. She only eats my milk. She will go through the most miraculous growth a human being ever goes through during the time she is nourished solely by me.

I wonder if that is the reason boobs exist....to nourish a child? Hmmm....Or are they there for purely sexual reasons? yeah...that makes complete sense.

So you don't want to see my child eating huh?

Well excuse me then, I will just let my child go hungry while I finish up my grocery shopping. I will finish my meal at the restaurant while my child cries for food (giving onlookers another reason to complain and judge my parenting abilities). I will finish what I am doing, and then I will feed her in the privacy of my sweltering car, or better yet, turn on the air conditioning and waste precious energy, contributing to the carbon emissions in the atmosphere. Oh, I will also use those very well maintained and extremely clean public bathrooms. I will sit ont he toilet and nurse. After all, it would not bother me one bit to eat my meal in the filth of a public restroom.

On the other hand, I could simply sit outside in the cool breeze nourishing her, or I can quickly let her latch on in the restaurant before she even makes one (annoying) little sound. Oh, but since it bothers you so much I will let her go hungry. I will show my child that her needs do not come first. The comfort of those strangers, and my own agenda are certainly more important to me than my own child's well being.

Or should I confine myself to my home for the first year or two of her life? YES 2 years, because it is in fact recommended by the World Health Organization, AND the American academy of pediatrics to continue breastfeeding for two whole years. Should I just isolate myself from society for that time? Im sure that would result in nothing short of depression. Lonliness is already the hardest part of motherhood for me.Do we have children so that we will constantly be concerned with how that decision affects others? Those of you without children might think so, but once you have them you will forget about those other people, at least when it comes to your child's health and well being. Your main concern will be nourishing that little one to the very best of your ability at all times and in all places. I honestly don't give a shit what anyone thinks about that.

Breastfeeding is wonderful. It is convenient. She is hungry, bam, a boob in her mouth.That's exactly how it is meant to be. You are meant to be with your baby always, and it is meant to have food as soon as it needs it.

A bottle???? That would take time to warm up....time to find a place to warm it up....by the time that was all done she would be wailing so loudly, and so uncomfortably that the milk would likely not even soothe her. Did you know that when a baby cries for a long period of time it affects their brain development? Did you know that when they NEED something, and do not get it, it affects their ability to trust that you are there for them? Did you know it gives them anxiety issues, sleep issues, fear issues? Study it. You'll find out.

Pumping??? That is tedious, costly, unnecessary, and nowhere near as productive as breastfeeding. Did you know that when you are with your child, and physically touching your child you produce more milk, and more is let down. When you pump you rarely get anywhere near the amount that you would with the child on the breast. It's all about hormones. You look at the baby, oxytocin surges, more milk lets down....Humans are destined to survive, when we respect nature's intentions.

Study it. YOU"LL FIND OUT.

I'm sure our species has survived and thrived through the ages while treating breastfeeding as a disgusting act, only to be performed in private.......convinced.

When I see a woman brestfeeding in public, I don't look away, nor does it bother me in any way. In fact I envy her. I am proud that she has the courage to stand up to a social stigma. I am glad that she puts her child first. When I breastfeed in public, I notice people's stares. They are different. Children look on with curiousity. Some people do a double take, and then quickly look away awkwardly. Some are like me. Understanding. They smile at me. They admire my baby. They are not disturbed by a child simply eating a meal.

It's seriouslty JUST a boob.

get over it.

*This post may or may not have been spurred by a facebook conversation. It is in no way directed towards anyone involved in that conversation. My feelings towards this issue existed long before said conversation, and have been building for months. This is my blog, where I get to say exactly what I am feeling and thinking. That's is all I am doing. Im hoping it will help people look at things a little differently. Consider other people's point of view, position, or situation.

What is more important? A helpless, completely dependant child, and a mother struggling to get out of the house for a change, or a grown, single, carefree adult's sense of comfort?

This store, this store

I just LOVE everything about this online shop!!!

Ruche

I know I have posted about it before but....

LOOK

1. I know I say this a lot, but THAT is the PERFECT dress. 

2. I really do need these shoes 

3. Fall Skirt  

4. pretty blue shirt 

5. It's skirt season, OK 

6. yes. lovely 

 7. So Vintage 

 8.LOVING this Boho style  

9. Yellow+Jade ring 

10. Boot season is definitely upon us  

 11. I do need more pretty shirts.  

12. seafoam greem mary janes   

13. Blue Cardigan 

14. Gorgeous Ring  

 15. great fitted shirt

My birthday is coming up you know.....

And in case anyone is wondering....I wear a size Large in ALL Ruche clothing, and my shoe size is 8....and also, this list is in pretty good order of what I want need.

Ten things I'm Wishing for this Thursday Morning......

1.Pattern for these funny little pants 

2. Toy sewing machine for little hazel   

3. This setup would change my world (planning for a someday kitchen remodel)     

4. PLUM sequin Toms....there is something about this color       

5. Perfect fall dress, which may or may not be on its wa to me already...        

6. natural linen + tiny floral print + pleats + scallopped hem + red felt = an ambitious appointment with my sewing machine   

7. Another project for mike. awesome swing!  

8. Penguin Children's Classics, which unfortunately are no longer for sale :(   

9. Perfect. Little. Kitchen. 

10. THE skirt. the ONLY skirt I will ever need. Can I wear this every day?

Just the Two of Us

Sittin in the loft Pinning (Pinterest, what a glorious waste of time) all the many things I want to sew for Hazel and Me, instead of actually sewing them.

Just read a little blog post about a baby#3. Today I have been thinking about all of my alone time with baby Hazel, and realized that this little girl sleeping next to me will be my only ONLY child. My next one will have an older sister. That baby will not have 100% of me like Hazel does, and I wont have 100% of either of them. Its not a bad thing, it's just the way life is.

It will never be just me and baby # 2 or #3. It will only be just Hazel and I, and only for a little while. I need to cherish that. These Hazel and Me moments are passing me by, and someday it wont be just us anymore. I hope she will always be my best friend. I hope I will be able to squeeze in small Hazel and Me moment as she grows and gains siblings and friends and leaves this house.

I will be so happy to add more little souls to our family someday....but right now, I am so grateful for My me and Hazel days.

A Blowout, Best Friendsx2, and A PERFECT Quilt

First up, This is REALLY the first time this happened. Proof I should not use disposable diapers. I never have this problem with cloth. Massive blowout. need to do better at keeping uo with the laundry I suppose.

 Friendship bracelets. Don't worry, even thought that bracelet looks tight, it isn't. Hazel has the cutest little fat rolls on her wrists. The quilt my mom HAND quilted for Hazel. LOVE IT! Josh Tate and Hazel. hopefully these two will be the best little friends. Can you believe they were born just days apart? And just look at that girl. That little face. Oh my heart. 

Ten Things Im Wishing for this THURSDAY

Because somehow Tuesday came and went without my knowledge.....

1. Ruffle Butt   2. Felt Coasters   3. Yellow+Grey   4. RED   5. Black+White   6. SOOO cuute for makin Hazel clothes   7. A book everyone should have   8. Guess who's getting teeth?   9. A book of the SWEETEST dolly patterns   10.  How to make Amazing foooood