My Dear Hazel

Yesterday we had a post-natal appointment with our midwife Cathy. Oh, we love her! I wish Midwives were for every day, and not just for pregnancy and birth. We reminisced about the birth a bit, and how wonderful it was. She said Mike was just perfect. He knew just what to say and how to help me, and it was like he had done it a hundred times before. That's the truth. Mike was amazing. He helped me through so much of it. Every time I felt like giving up he was right there pushing me forward. So much of what he did and said for me that day might usually seem insignificant. It also might seem cheesy. That day, It is what I needed. sometimes we need to humble ourselves and accept compliments and help, however cheesy the words may seem. I wish that I was able to accept words like that more often, instead of rolling my eyes at them. I also wish I would give them more often.

We also talked about me and how I am doing. I shared with her before I had Hazel that at times I feel very isolated up here. On the days I have plans and do things I feel great, but on the days I have no plans I get lonely, and have a hard time. Something I have learned since I had Hazel is that It's not the quantity of friends I have, nor the quantity of time I spend with them, but the quality. If I spend even one good day a week with a friend who is uplifting, my lonely days aren't so hard. A friend who understands me, or at least makes an effort to. One who I can talk with openly about my feelings and my problems, and who I don't feel like I need to put on a show for. Friends like that aren't so easy to find these days.

She asked if I was having any problems with a new baby. I can honestly say no. I hear so many stories from friends and relatives of how difficult it is to have a newborn. I can't relate.  I know, It's only been two weeks.

Maybe I was just very prepared? I mean, I know babies. I've cared for and loved quite a few. Nevertheless, I listened to everyone who told me that this would be very hard, and I prepared myself for that. For painful nursing problems, for sleepless nights, for a baby who cries and cries....None of those things have happened. Today I vacuumed the cabin while Hazel was sleeping on the couch. I literally had the vacuum a foot from her. She didn't even stir. She sleeps for 3-5 hours at a time! She cries only when she is being changed or dressed. That is it!

The only thing I wasn't prepared for, that has really floored me is how much I love her. Its pretty overwhelming, and every once in a while it hits me and I can't hold back the tears. Not sad tears at all. Very very happy tears.

Before she was born there were some melancholy moments. I was so happy to be having a child, but a bit sad at the same time, to be saying goodbye to my old life. I think that is normal. That is how it should be. I think sadness is a necessary part of life, and maybe we shouldn't always look upon it so negatively. It helps us grow. I have always had a hard time with moving on and saying goodbye to the past. We should embrace those sad feelings as a part of change. Change is a good thing. Now that she is here, I don't miss life without her at all.

Today is my first day alone with her, without Mike, and with no plans. I sure feel a lot less lonely, and a lot more productive with her around. Being a mom is just lovely.